Have you ever sat down and thought about the relationships that you have with your folks? I have started to do this more and more. See, these folks, your parents help make you who you are so it is important that you look at them to see yourself.
My dad, as I have been able to imagine and been told was a bit of a rascal. Now, all that he did he can’t tell you, but you know he did his mess because he can spot what he calls a punk or a thug in 10 sec flat. To my chagrin when I was younger, and even now that I’ve gotten older, he is right. He challenged my brother at every turn when he was younger, and he always told us to speak up and tell our truth – even if we thought that we were kinda wrong – tell it anyway. There is no guarantee that the other guy is right. My dad intimidated us, protected us, and fiercely loves us. He FIERCELY loves his children and will protect his family with everything he has. As time has passed he has mellowed, but that FIERCE love is still there. My cousins, male & female, unlces, aunts – all of us – listen to him when he talks because he is a watcher and a lover of knowledge. He is THE head of household of our family, not because my mother fears him, but because we all respect him. Don’t get me wrong, he has his ways. He used to drink, get drunk, drive us around with him drunk, cuss folks out when he felt he or his fam was threatened, cause a scene when he felt he was taken advantage of, hermit like tendecies and yes, he can believe in that patriarchal things sometiems too much - he has his ways – aggravating and complaining and cleaning sometimes obsessively – he is far from perfect – but he was and is the perfect dad for me. He stopped drinking and smoking for his family’s and his own sake cold turkey. It was hell for him, but he did it and I admire him for that. He is retired now and still exercises, still walks, still will drive cross country to see the world. He never ONCE asked me not to be myself as strange as I can be at times and he probably marveled – as a matter of fact I now he marvels at the fact that HIS kids have some of his habits. Rather than talk to us about those habits, he tries, by example to show us a better way to be. My dad is by an example do the work yourself before you ask for someone else to do it or believe it can be done kind of guy. If you CAN’T do that then, admit it and sit down so somebody can show you how to do it- that is the kind of guy he is. He moved forward from a life filled with hunger, pain and sometimes, though he never speaks of it, a kind of emotional abandonment to a home on the “better” side of town in one of the first black neighborhoods in ATL. We never went without as kids, we never new what hunger was, we never did free or half price lunch, we never missed one party, event, etc. – he did all he could, the best he could to make our lives as wonderful as he could. He still does try, and we have to remind him that we can, we will and to take care of himself and mom. As a matter of fact, don’t tell anyone but he is the softest hearted guy I know – he just knows that life is hard and some folks out here are crazy so he did all he could to make sure that he put titanium in our backs for those days when we must deal with the weight of the world and he was sure to introduce us to God and remind us that when we can’t lean into God cause he can and he will.
I am, in case you did not understand what I wrote proud of my dad. I know he is flawed, but see, he also loves and loves hard. I think sometimes that this is why I have a problem with men. I am accustomed and brought up expecting to being respected, listened to, lifted up, argued with but LOVED ANYWAY. I am not down for the hey shawty mess up, or you talk down to me mess. What is that? I am accustomed to men who read, who are curious, who improves themselves cause they need to – I grew up in a household with a man who is a mensch, who loves God, who respects himself, who will defend himself and his family to the bitter end and does everything to protect them. Yes – he had to grow into this role cause he and my mom, married now for 35 years, knowing and loving each other for probably about 50 years (they knew each other as kids – even grew up in the same neighborhood!) argued, fussed and everything else, but they also LOVED and VLAUED each other through the hard times. Especially in the hard times. They made it their business to do THAT in front of their kids. Sometimes I wonder if I can have that with someone.
Then it occurs to me that they did not know they could do it either. They made a committment to making THAT kind of love happen and my dad made a committment to becoming THAT kind of man. Because of the love that he had for God, himself, his wife, his family – he made a daily decision to continue to be responsible, grow, improve etc. He decided to become a mensch for Loves sake and THAT made all the difference not only for him but for his family’s sake as well.
Imperfect though he is, he gave me the biggest lesson. It is important that the man you love has as many of the character charateristics that you need and is willing to build on them and to gather more of them. It is important that he is dedicated to being a mensch for himself and for his family. It is important that he has a personal and real relationship with God. This is how my folks made it – they both could agree on the same goals and adjusted them when necessary.
Examining my father, his life and his decisions has helped me discover what I want in a man and the list got a lot simpler. When was the last time you examined your parents (by birth, choice, or the willingness to step in that role for you) to see the charaterisitcs that you need and want in a mate? Try it today. It may be eye opening.
