I am returning to dating. I am moving on. I have not heard from him, and I got the distinct impression that he forwarded my call I made tonight to voicemail. Moving. On.

I thought we had a lot in common, and I thought he liked me, but I guess I was really wrong. REALLY, REALY WRONG. My friend reminded me that I was curious as to why he did not have a relationship that lasted over a yr I think I am beginning to understand why.

If any guys read this or even glance over this site, let me give you a small piece of advice.

If you are intimately involved with a woman – you are committed to her, you care about her, will protect her, love her etc.

Listen Up and Read ON -
Most of the time, especially when you find yourself in the dog house often, it is because the woman in your life does not feel appreciated or heard. If life has become a living hell and she is not even trying to give you a benefit of the doubt, please take my advice:

Before there is a situation or argument and certainly a couple of days after the argument has occured an you have moved on from it, begin to daily give a little tenderness and adoration. Treat her like she is precious to you and, wait for it, this can be something you can do for FREE!! This would SOLVE so many of her insecurities that she may have. Yes, she is insecure because she feels that you may not be listening to her or respect her opinon. Treating her like she is a dolt or with condensencion does not help your cause and admit it, sometimes you DO this. It is a man think, but it IS going to cause a problem. Being tender won’t get rid of the disagreements, it won’t create absolute peace but it will remind her that it is not you versus her. Get it? Take the lead and remind her that ya’ll are in it together and you are glad to be in this relationship and on this journey with HER and it will create trust and dare I say it, a bit of joint inner peace. She loves you. Trust me, she too will demonstrate it back and part of the way she will do it is give you the benefit of the doubt and not just a cussing out. She will ask and she will listen because what women know is that men are demonstrative when they show love. When you remind her by treating her with that bit of kindness, tenderness that you care and that you still adore and appreciate he she will calm down and cut you some slack – give you time to explain or to maybe even apologize if necessary. This is why chilvary REALLY was your friend. That was cherishing behavior, get it? Try out what I am suggesting – I mean what can it hurt, right?

Ways to show adoration/ be tender:

1. Go to her, hug her gently and say the words to her she may need to hear – I love you. Don’t make a move for sex. She will probably be in the mood afterwards but don’t YOU go for it. LOL. Let her take the lead on that one.

2. If you are fly by nights due to job demands – before you leave the home, not a rushed peck and out the door, 20 min before you leave for wk do the above and pray with her AND over her/yourself and your home.

3. Hold. Her. Hand. In public. Without it being a special holiday or when you are with the fam or crew. Hold. Her. Hand.

4. After joking around with her (YOU DO THIS NATURALLY ANYWAY, LOL) look at this beautiful woman that you are with and let her know that you love her smile, she has beautiful eyes etc. Come on fellas, think!

5. Is it game night? Occassionally grab a few of those wings she likes a slice and and a drink to make sure that she is taken care of too.

6. Does the forecast over the weekend suggest that it is going to be a rainy wk week? Get her car keys Take her car and check air pressure, wipers etc.

7. Just hold her and talk to her softly. Tell her your concerns etc. Listen to her concerns too. You have no idea how much THAT will cement the idea that ya’ll are in this together.

8. Groceries are coming in the home. Help her get them out and put them away. If this is her house errand day, dude offer to order something or pick up something before she returns home. In other words, let her rest for the rest of the day.

These are simple every day things you can do. It will make your life easier. She will remember that you DO cherish her and that YOU TWO are in this together – even when she is ticked off with you and THAT will get you cut some slack.

Of course there are flowers occassionally, massages occassionally, etc. But really things from the heart – reminders that you both are DEFINITELY in this together will be more effective.

Hope these suggestions and this method help some of you out there.

I am in my current position, which is really a step down position from the job that I had, but it is in corporate and the pay is a bit better. OK. Good trade off. I know how to perform in this position and how to go above and beyond without a problem. Next. I do the job, go above and beyond, rarely complain and keep it pushing. 2nd year in I expressed an interest in completing my associates degree. I was supported both by the director and my manager. After achieving this goal I decided to continue to pursue my degree. In large part, folks do not know if I am in school or not because I try hard not to affect the schedule with my courses. This semester was different however. The class that I am taking has requirements that will affect my schedule 9 times. I will need to take a day off and leave the office early @ 4:30 pm 5 times and at 3:00 pm 3 times No big deal right? I leave my job at 5 pm anyway so it won’t really affect too much. Looks like a no brainer right? NOPE. Sadly and dissappointingly not.

Now, let me explain that I have covered for other people, changed and adjusted my schedule to fit for other folks due to personal issues, health issues, different committees that they are on etc. So imagine my surprise when I get push back about this course I am taking from my new manager. She informed that she spoke to me about this months ago, the director having issues with folks taking off at the end of the day. REALLY? Who in the heck would think that taking off 8.5 hours at the end of the day to fulfill requirements for a class would be a deal breakerand a problem. Seriuosly? My old manager moved on to greener pastures and left me here. Crapola. And it is not that the new manager is not a sweetie, she is one, but apparently there is something going on that I do not know about and …… I almost feel like there was no fight put in for me at. all. There was the suggestion however that I drop the course. Huh? I was told that the director has issues with time being taken at the end of the day. Angry is not the word. I. Am. Furious. I am a good and considerate worker. For most of last year no one knew I was even in school because I tried to take everything online and my courses were 1.5 hours after I got off work. The one time I need to schedule in time to leave and try to do so early so that arrangements can be made in coverage I get THIS kind of push back and a suggestion that I may want to drop my course. I know that companies are not obligated to work with folks, but really?

Sadly, I went from having folks who supported me and wanted me to finish school so I could advance and get my MLIS degree to having folks try to suggest that if I am not here/ took off early the sky would start falling. REALLY? How many times have the bottom fell out and I was here covering for someone else for a day or two or several hours? I mean honestly, who in the heck knows what will be required for a course until they get a syllabus. I certainly did not. Frankly, I think this is some BS. I think that there is more going on here and I have suspected it for a minute anyway. The closer I get to finishing school -or even take a day – the more frenzy occurs not support.

Let’s just say that I am done. I am done. I am done. I am dissappointed that I did not get any support from management. I am dissappointed that there is a possibility that we will need to see HR about 15.5 hours – 7.5 hours of which is a floating holiday – so that something can be worked out and I can finish up school.

I. Am. Too. Done.

Rant over.

This is going to be real different for me. Something tells me that it is not a bad thing at all. Later…

I began to work on my relationship with God. In the past I thought about God being necessary only when I could not get it done myself or in emergencies. Really, I felt like who has this much time to spend time watching me and correcting me about every little thing? Turns out, God does have that time and wants me to depend on him more. So I do now. I pray and move forward, I talk to him all the time without censure. Next year, I will start using You Version to study the Bible. I really want to understand what God wants for me, what he wants me to do and who he wants me to be. I believe and have faith that he will give me the desires of my heart – things I have not earned – could never earn – just merely asked for – because He and his kingdom is that generous. I also began to see what love IS. Not just the romantic stuff in the books or on the movie screen, but real love in action is easy to see when you look at things from God’s point of view. What I have learned is that I am loved very much.

Working on the relationship with God began the work on accepting and loving myself. I thought that all these other different movements would make that possible – natural hair, fat acceptance etc., NOT. I had to accept all of me from how I feel to what I want. I had to truly accept that I am not superwoman and that I am merely human. Now I go to the gym 3 times a week to work out and I eat a great deal better. When I am full I am FULL and I stop eating. I drink water, am learning to avoid fried food and to eat more veggies and fruit. I also try to avoid soda and find myself drinking less and less of it. Gum is my new friend and if I want something be it sweet or fried I do not deny myself. I am learning how to eat my fill and leave the rest there for another day. In other words, I am working on getting healthy – not thin necessarily. I am also interested in feeling good about my body and this too, due to the exercise and eating better is beginning to occur. I also understand that this is a process and will not happen overnight and that too is fine with me. This, for me, is a LOT of growth.

Earning this Bachelor’s degree is coming to an end Summer 2012. And because I want a better position at a place that is NOT corporate, I began to apply out. Corporate has been very good to me, but it lacks the we are on common ground in large part attitude that you get working with folks who work for the government. I expect prosperity and growth and I began that belief in 2011. I know God looks upon me with favor, and now more and more I am beginning to walk in it too. Like a nut, I will be back in school to earn my degree in Librarianship hopefully Spring of 2013. Yep, I am a sucker for punishment. LOL.

Family relationships and friendships have worked out and some relationships have definitely changed. I am learning that sometimes everything must be an uproar or totally rooted up. There is simply now way around doing so all of the time. I am enjoying the relationships that I have with folks in my life now because I have discovered that I am the main ingredient. If I find that something is crazily unhealthy I have the power to discuss it or move on from it. Usually I pick the latter. I have learned over the years that in the end the only person you can mold is yourself and little kids. Other than that, grown folks are gonna do and be themselves. I am really good with that. I love peace too much to fight with another person about every little thing. Not. Gonna. Do. It.

I used to believe that I could not endure pain or rejection much so I avoided relationships. Now I have learned umm that I will survive and I will continue to put myself out there to get new friends and to have a solid companionship/marriage. I keep surprising myself and having that kind of courage really makes me proud of myself. I did not think that I had it in me. I am learning smething new about myself daily. I also am learning that I am really old school in a lot of ways. I also have some definite feminist thoughts and ideas. I figure that my husband is gonna be a doozy. LOL.

There are so many things that I will take from 2011 that are so positive. I could not possibly list them all. However, I know that things will get better, even when the storms come if I keep believing, keep having faith in God, keep building my character and taking care of myself and keep daring to try and to hope.

I found, got and gave a lot of love in 2011. I pray that this continues for me and others throughout the 2012.

Next, I start talking to this guy who seems really interested. We talk for a few hours and things go very well. We have a discussion about having kids. Folks, I will be 40 in less than 3 months. Yep, March 5th is most definitely on its way. Since he is 38, I go ahead and let him know that maybe 1 or 2, but because I am older, children might be an issue. I even suggest that he looks towards women who are a bit younger. He dismisses it. He suggests that I be more optimistic. Number one I am kinda like should we not get to know each other a bit first, though if children are important to him I won’t fault him for that. We go on and are to meet. That date gets cancelled due to his mom having a health complication. We talk briefly and he wants MORE clarification about what I will be willing to do to have kids. This nut, instead of admitting to me and himself that kids are damn important to him …. let’s just say what he did afterwards makes me give him a seriuosly hard side eye. Did I mention that this discussion about kids took place 2 times in less than a week? That kind of freaked me out too, to be honest as well. I am honest with men about having kids and the age that women can have the best chances of having a healthy baby because if having this is important to them they SHOULD know. After the age of 35 having a child with down syndrome or other health issues is a serious probability. I also want men I deal with to know if they are open to having another kid, because I want who I am with not to regret their decision. I just want honesty back, and the decision he made – which really did not affect me on a deep personal level but dissapointed me and hurt me a little bit – was just… wrong. I don’t think he will be calling back. I don’t think I will go out with him even if he did ask me. One of my girlfriends suggest that I should do so, and I should talk to him. Really I am out of the fixing other folks business or their thinking and behavior business. I am moving on from this one.

I think until the 2nd wk in Jan 2012 I am going to lick my wounds and prepare myself for school. Then I will get back in the saddle again. I still believe in good solid love and I still want that love with a really good man. I got my parents and too many other folks who parents are married to know that this kind of love does exist, and yes, I mean to pray for and keep/share it myself too.

These are examples of what represents as men out here in the dating world. They both are good guys, but when it comes to being good men, needs a little work. Not bad, not horrible – they need to do the work on themselves. Love is not easy, it cannot be regulated to a group of rules that women should follow in order to get a man or what a man should have to keep a good woman. It is all the things that the vows state and more. Aaah hell, I have kissed a couple of frogs – one who has fallen asleep on his dang lily pad and another who moves like grease lightning. Let me put on more lipstick … in two weeks. LOL.

To be happy. To work towards working out 3 times a wk. for an hour by March and to continue to get healthy. To finish up school. To continue to be available for a relationship with the goal of a solid, real and God lead, joy filled marriage . To hope, dream, and believe. To trust God more and to have more faith. To find a Bible based church that I can attend with a pastor who teaches from the entire Bible with the passage in context, not just the section of the passage that gets their message across but changes the entire intent. To volunteer 3 times. To give more. To be a blessing to others. To get a new job. To have a few more adventures. To seriously clean up my home, do some repairs on my home and to do a bit of decorating in the downstairs area. To finish school.

That is enough!! LOL. Happy New Year everyone!

1 guy is clearly in a relationship with someone. The weird phone calls and texting times tell the story. Next.

1 guy is just flirting with anyone, just like me. OK.

1 guy gets back in contact with me and we chit chat etc. Seems like he is a nice enough guy. Cool. We talk on the phone a bit. Cool. And then we make plans, great. Dude gets caught by the Comcast guy … umm ok, let’s meet another time although it would have been nice for you to contact me before I hit the road. I got plans so nope can’t extend the time anymore to fit his schedule. Makes semi plans to meet the next day, ummm. Nope. Called him to be informed of this decision. Huh? Now it is time for me to say nope. I mean, flaking out and not being willing to follow basic courtesy is something I will NOT put up with from anyone. So, ummm. NOPE.

It was cool. I am talking to another guy. We’ll see how it goes.

What is interesting is though I calmed myself down I did go overboard with sugar. I did catch myself a bit and put things in perspective. I think on some level, though I tried not to, I blamed myself for what went down with the guy who is not considerate of my time. Really. I did.

So I had to remind myself that I am trusting God in the fulfillment of this desire. I will do my part, but I am not in control of others behaviors and if someone treats me badly it is they that are in the wrong. I don’t carry the world on my back. Trying to correct your behavior and your attitude about things – esp. when it comes down to control stuff, can be more than a little difficult. Let me tell you.

Leaning into God and letting Him do HIM while I follow and be more dependent on Him is sometimes difficult for me. I will continue to do my best to get it right and to pray. I got a lot of weird ideas about love, men and relationships. I am checking my behavior and thought patterns though, and that is all that I can do.

Recently I visited my parents and stayed for a couple of days. This visit was a bit marred by my dad’s insistent need to correct me. Now, mind you, I have had an issue with my foot by over exercising AND because I fell and lodged my foot against the wall. Talk about a bad case of tendonitis and baby, I had it. My foot was swollen, and because it is my habit to try and walk things off I tried like a nut for 3 weeks. When I went to the doctor he showed me the effects of the just walk it off philosophy. That. Won’t. Be. Me. Again. As a matter of fact, I had the issue in August and cannot wear regular shoes until January and even then will need to periodically wear tennis shoes over the next year. OK! With this, I had to decide how I was going to start working on getting into the habit of being active. I looked into Curves and began to go figuring that even if I could not make it in 3 days out of the wk as they suggest, I have a treadmill, tapes and can do yoga to make sure that I get the three days in. I have to take it easy on my leg/foot and I don’t want to bein pain or back in therapy. Enter my dad. He came around asking me if I want to work out with him and I firmly told him no. Then he came around again making a comment that three times a week really won’t do anything for me. I’d had it and spoke up. Then, this nut had the nerve to tell me that is all I had to tell him in the first place or just said no. DUDE WHAT!? Cursing him out is not an option, but I am beginning to see where having it out with him may need to happen. I will speak up for me and say what I need to say. Get over it or do not come talking to me with YOUR issues about MY life because I will speak up when it pertains to me. See, whether I go to Curves or not, I always do a few more minutes in the evening of stretching and working on areas that I see as problem areas. Besides, this is something that I took initiative to do for ME. My dad was in the wrong and should have left me alone. Instead he tried to force his ideas on me and this backfired. As it usually does. With every last one of his kids and grandkids. Because he does not listen and assumes the worse about everyone. The condencension that comes on his face does not help either. But really it is because I am tired of trying to be his patient little girl that he can take his crap out on with the continuous needling and I am expected to forgive his BS and move on, and honestly historically this is what I do, to keep the peace. I also try to do so to keep the confusion btw he and my mom down, without going into much detail, their relationship has weathered some pretty big storms and I really don’t want to be another one. However, being peaceful is beginning to come at a cost that I am tired of paying.

This is not the first time, but I have determined that I am tired of him thinking he has some kind of RIGHT to do this to me. It has gone on for far too long, the needling and coming at me when I attempt to do what is right for me and then the condescending attitude to imply that I am too stupid or too ignorant to know better. This is a huge part of the reason that I moved away a bit from my folks. I love my mom, and though our relationship is not perfect, she does not have this need that my dad has to prove something to himself through his kids. The closer I come to graduating the more he has acted this way. Almost like… envy – and I cannot do anything about it. He is also a bit chauvinistic. I. Can’t. This hurts, and there is a history of him doing this with me, and NO I do not know why. I am tired of hurting, this time, I am going to let him deal with himself. After this ridiculous behavior that morning I got up, got ready for work, packed my stuff and left my parents home. I originally meant to stay and additional day, but I do not HAVE to put up with his nonsense anymore, and I have decided that I won’t either. To say he was shocked was an understatment. It felt good to make the decision to take care of me, to cover me this time instead of enduring his behavior, but it hurts that he behaves like this toward me and it may be that I am just an easy target because I do come visit for a couple of day. Honestly though every time this year for as long as I remember, my dad acts like an azz, he prolly is following his own internal script.

My dad, like most folks, has a lot of issues from his past. Those issues are things that HE needs to work out, but he does not understand that and it may be because no one has pointed out his behavior to him or he hasn’t noticed the pattern himself. My fam and I have suffered as a young girl and as a teen and yes, as an adult because of my dad’s issues that HE needs to deal with. I got my own ish, and frankly, I am working on that, I cannot and will not even attempt to handle his. I will speak up for myself, and I will forgive him, but I will not carry this with me any longer. I am working on getting myself to the life that I have always dreamed of and that is enough for me to carry. I am praying and leaning on God for me, I do pray that he will start talking to God about himself too. That arrogance that he carries that he knows everything that is wrong about everyone else needs adjustment with a bit of humility and self evaluation. I will pray that God helps him, then I will move on to do what I need to do, work on pulling that log out of my own eye and trust, that takes one heck of a prayer. The sad thing is, my dad does read the Bible and he does pray, he just does NOT see himself, and that, I cannot help him with. I do know that only God and if God leads him to one, a counselor can help him. It is not my job to suffer for him and through this nonsense with him.