Leaning into God

Sooooo. This weekend was interesting. I got on POF a bit of a while ago – maybe 2 yrs ago? It was harmless to get on the site, I mean I don’t HAVE to answer the guys and I am not really actively looking for someone. I got on a couple of wks ago and basically just began to flirt. Hey, I feel good. I’ve gone to the gym, and even though there have been a few times when I ate emotionally, I still go, and I am working on the emotion + food connection. Anyway, feeling extremely frisky I chatted with a few guys and they chatted back. Look like everything was going well until their rep pulled back really quickly and I saw the other side.

1 guy is clearly in a relationship with someone. The weird phone calls and texting times tell the story. Next.

1 guy is just flirting with anyone, just like me. OK.

1 guy gets back in contact with me and we chit chat etc. Seems like he is a nice enough guy. Cool. We talk on the phone a bit. Cool. And then we make plans, great. Dude gets caught by the Comcast guy … umm ok, let’s meet another time although it would have been nice for you to contact me before I hit the road. I got plans so nope can’t extend the time anymore to fit his schedule. Makes semi plans to meet the next day, ummm. Nope. Called him to be informed of this decision. Huh? Now it is time for me to say nope. I mean, flaking out and not being willing to follow basic courtesy is something I will NOT put up with from anyone. So, ummm. NOPE.

It was cool. I am talking to another guy. We’ll see how it goes.

What is interesting is though I calmed myself down I did go overboard with sugar. I did catch myself a bit and put things in perspective. I think on some level, though I tried not to, I blamed myself for what went down with the guy who is not considerate of my time. Really. I did.

So I had to remind myself that I am trusting God in the fulfillment of this desire. I will do my part, but I am not in control of others behaviors and if someone treats me badly it is they that are in the wrong. I don’t carry the world on my back. Trying to correct your behavior and your attitude about things – esp. when it comes down to control stuff, can be more than a little difficult. Let me tell you.

Leaning into God and letting Him do HIM while I follow and be more dependent on Him is sometimes difficult for me. I will continue to do my best to get it right and to pray. I got a lot of weird ideas about love, men and relationships. I am checking my behavior and thought patterns though, and that is all that I can do.