new behavior choice

When decisively moving forward, expect there to be hurdles also known as ways to keep you in the place you were.

Recently I visited my parents and stayed for a couple of days. This visit was a bit marred by my dad’s insistent need to correct me. Now, mind you, I have had an issue with my foot by over exercising AND because I fell and lodged my foot against the wall. Talk about a bad case of tendonitis and baby, I had it. My foot was swollen, and because it is my habit to try and walk things off I tried like a nut for 3 weeks. When I went to the doctor he showed me the effects of the just walk it off philosophy. That. Won’t. Be. Me. Again. As a matter of fact, I had the issue in August and cannot wear regular shoes until January and even then will need to periodically wear tennis shoes over the next year. OK! With this, I had to decide how I was going to start working on getting into the habit of being active. I looked into Curves and began to go figuring that even if I could not make it in 3 days out of the wk as they suggest, I have a treadmill, tapes and can do yoga to make sure that I get the three days in. I have to take it easy on my leg/foot and I don’t want to bein pain or back in therapy. Enter my dad. He came around asking me if I want to work out with him and I firmly told him no. Then he came around again making a comment that three times a week really won’t do anything for me. I’d had it and spoke up. Then, this nut had the nerve to tell me that is all I had to tell him in the first place or just said no. DUDE WHAT!? Cursing him out is not an option, but I am beginning to see where having it out with him may need to happen. I will speak up for me and say what I need to say. Get over it or do not come talking to me with YOUR issues about MY life because I will speak up when it pertains to me. See, whether I go to Curves or not, I always do a few more minutes in the evening of stretching and working on areas that I see as problem areas. Besides, this is something that I took initiative to do for ME. My dad was in the wrong and should have left me alone. Instead he tried to force his ideas on me and this backfired. As it usually does. With every last one of his kids and grandkids. Because he does not listen and assumes the worse about everyone. The condencension that comes on his face does not help either. But really it is because I am tired of trying to be his patient little girl that he can take his crap out on with the continuous needling and I am expected to forgive his BS and move on, and honestly historically this is what I do, to keep the peace. I also try to do so to keep the confusion btw he and my mom down, without going into much detail, their relationship has weathered some pretty big storms and I really don’t want to be another one. However, being peaceful is beginning to come at a cost that I am tired of paying.

This is not the first time, but I have determined that I am tired of him thinking he has some kind of RIGHT to do this to me. It has gone on for far too long, the needling and coming at me when I attempt to do what is right for me and then the condescending attitude to imply that I am too stupid or too ignorant to know better. This is a huge part of the reason that I moved away a bit from my folks. I love my mom, and though our relationship is not perfect, she does not have this need that my dad has to prove something to himself through his kids. The closer I come to graduating the more he has acted this way. Almost like… envy – and I cannot do anything about it. He is also a bit chauvinistic. I. Can’t. This hurts, and there is a history of him doing this with me, and NO I do not know why. I am tired of hurting, this time, I am going to let him deal with himself. After this ridiculous behavior that morning I got up, got ready for work, packed my stuff and left my parents home. I originally meant to stay and additional day, but I do not HAVE to put up with his nonsense anymore, and I have decided that I won’t either. To say he was shocked was an understatment. It felt good to make the decision to take care of me, to cover me this time instead of enduring his behavior, but it hurts that he behaves like this toward me and it may be that I am just an easy target because I do come visit for a couple of day. Honestly though every time this year for as long as I remember, my dad acts like an azz, he prolly is following his own internal script.

My dad, like most folks, has a lot of issues from his past. Those issues are things that HE needs to work out, but he does not understand that and it may be because no one has pointed out his behavior to him or he hasn’t noticed the pattern himself. My fam and I have suffered as a young girl and as a teen and yes, as an adult because of my dad’s issues that HE needs to deal with. I got my own ish, and frankly, I am working on that, I cannot and will not even attempt to handle his. I will speak up for myself, and I will forgive him, but I will not carry this with me any longer. I am working on getting myself to the life that I have always dreamed of and that is enough for me to carry. I am praying and leaning on God for me, I do pray that he will start talking to God about himself too. That arrogance that he carries that he knows everything that is wrong about everyone else needs adjustment with a bit of humility and self evaluation. I will pray that God helps him, then I will move on to do what I need to do, work on pulling that log out of my own eye and trust, that takes one heck of a prayer. The sad thing is, my dad does read the Bible and he does pray, he just does NOT see himself, and that, I cannot help him with. I do know that only God and if God leads him to one, a counselor can help him. It is not my job to suffer for him and through this nonsense with him.