IT is strange, this change thing. You keep expecting things to go smoothly, and in large part, for me, it has. I am adjusting to the idea that God is my supply, that my family and friends are flawed but I love them and they love me too. I have adjusted to the fact that I do not have to be perfect to be loved, don’t have to know everything, that asking for help is a good thing and that I must love and take care of myself before I go further seeking better for life. If I don’t do that, I understand this now, all the better that comes to me will be bitter, bitter, bitter. And it WILL be my fault, because I did not learn how to appreciate, forgive, let go and love anyway. I am attempting to do better , to love better, to be better, I want to be like God does for me on the daily in human form. It ain’t easy and I fail a lot. I have caught myself doing and saying things that remind me that I still got a lot of work to do and harder decisions to make about my person than I do about anyone that I have a relationship with.
Right now I am accepting something that is hard for me to accept. And you know what, it does hurt, I do hurt, but I must accept it and then I must move on with my life. And that is what I am gonna do. Relationships are hard. It seems that I and a wonderful friend may either need space from each other or may need to move on. This is as hard a reality for me to face as it has been about facing the fact that my sister too – though I love her with all my heart, is not someone that I can contact, call, trust or confide in because of the choices that she made. She is unhealthy and NO I do not condemn her. All of us are unhealthy in some ways, but she likes to share the unhealthiness and the pain associated with it. That, THAT I will not accept from anyone. I do not think that right now my friend means to be difficult or so darn demanding. I do not think she understands that right now she is kind of throwing a tantrum because I am changing. I can’t and I am NOT the person she wants me to be for her right now. I have turned my questions to and I am seeking my answers from God and I am listening to me. I am building a better relationship with myself and my family. Other friends want to hang out and get together. I have school (3 classes). I have to work out. I have to have QUIET- at some point everybody needs to shut up so I can think and be. I am there for folks, but the guilt about not being able to be superwoman or play the role is gone. I will not run up my blood pressure, run up my sugar count, I WILL NOT go back to doing those things to myself because my friend preferred the person I was at that time. No, I do not confide in her as much but that has more to do with the relationship that I am building with God than selfishness or pride.
This issue does not trouble me as much as it has previously. I remember that this person had to grow and it was hard to watch and then be cut completely off during that time too. I remember that time in my life, so right now she probably does feel a way. But if my growing and changing kills a friendship, then, so be it. I will not stray away from becoming a better me who likes the life she lives, enjoys the person that she is. I will not shy away from becoming what God wants me to be either. It is time for me to continue to GROW. I have not stopped loving my friend, I have not stopped being there for her, I have not stopped being me. What I have refused to do is pretend that whatever she is going through and whatever she is feeling is really about me. What I am refusing to do is to be a scapegoat for whatever else it is that is going on in her life. I can be there for her, I can stand beside her, I can help her – but I will not become the person who her anger and frustration is vented or pinned on when I know that I have done nothing except continue to live my life. I can and wil apologize if necessary for what I have done or said in anger and frustration about her recent behavior. I will not apologize for doing what I must for myself, my health, my family, my future and my life. I will not apologize for trying diligently to follow what I have been told by the Holy Spirit to do. I am not trying to be so holy that I ain’t real or human. Heck I expose myself to my friends, family and yes YOU, dear blog reader all the time. What I am trying to become is a better me – not simply gain material things, but a better ME – moving beyond my mediocrity to my excellence (and yes, I know excellence and perfection is NOT at all the same). I have many friends who tell me that they are happy for me and will be there for me as I take the challenges ahead and I do not speak to them or hang out with them on a regular basis EITHER. So , I will not apologize, nor will I cease walking to the drum beats in my spirit, not even for a wonderful friend who is having an issue with my growth. It hurts, it hurts, but to remain standing in this spot for anybody else’s benifit and ignoring my spirit, God and my heart would be so much more painful, so I will be moving on.
I now remember that this is why folks avoid change like the plague. Please move forward anyway. You can’t get to the land and life promised to you by God if you refuse to pull up stakes. Please understand that you may have to leave a few of your cherished things behind to make the journey and get there. God has a plan for you and the cherished things you leave behind. Pray about it, move forward, and trust that it will be ok. I am struggling to do this too, but I do know, it is necessary. I must press on.
