I have not written because I have been struggling with the depression that has rode my back like it is my best friend. I am working towards a breakthrough, and any time you work diligently towards that you attract the enemy. He came in and sat down on my bed and told me how much easier life would be if I just let it go. Liar. I thought it was me, my thoughts, so I beat up on myself. It is him. He is rebuked from my life in the name of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I read the same lines over and over again in my Bible and in my Book of God’s promises, and I finally got why they gave me such peace. God has my back and that, more than anything else made me smile. I am getting healthier. I am looking at my life honestly. I have decided to look at the past to move toward my present and future. I am addressing my co-dependency. I am addressing my pain and my hurt. I am not just saying yes, I am saying no thanks. I am saying that I must take care of me. It is hard. I had thoughts of suicide, and I know that is the Devil there. I am a bit depressed, and a bit lonely, but I will not let this take me out. I will come out of this stronger and better. I have over ate when I should have confronted how I really felt. It is ok. I am getting better. I am feeling better. I won’t be defeated by this Liar, I will call on the name of God, I will lie prostrate, I will go to therapy, I will take better care of my soul, spirit, body, mind and I will have a social life.
I am tired. I am. I understand that the joy, hope, beauty and the Son will come out in the morning. I am yet still holding on, and it may be by an inch, but I am also moving on. No more. I am going to have a good cry, I am going to start speaking my truth more and more. Something in me craves a different life, a different path, one where I take more chances and laugh more, live more, experience more. Hope springs alive in my heart and though my eyes are welling up and my throat feels tight, I am holding on to God and that hope with both hands. He will not let me go. Thank you God. I really need you to be with me today. Thank you God for being there, and loving me.
