I keep thinking about my life. You know, the ways I want things to change. I am embracing change, well as well as I can I am embracing change. Positive changes.
On a side note, my ex-friend accepted my b-day card with grace. That was good. I am cool. Moving on.
Back to goals. I am coming off of all artificial sweetners. I just read up on that crap and it is like heck to the naw. No, it is going to kill me. When I get finish drinking the last of the stuff I have that is it. If you have not read up on it, do so. Splenda and Equal just became scary. I am going to start drinking stuff that is watered down and drinking water. And absolutely no frutcose. By the end of July, all of that artificial sweetner stuff will be gone.
My goal is to lose 5 lbs. per month. I am walking slowly and gotta slow down on the exercise tapes (20 min.) 6 times a week. Today I took a break because I pushed myself too hard and my ankle said heck to the naw. No. So I am strenthening my ankle (tip toeing, 3 reps of 5) every day. I gotta do what I gotta do.
I am back out on the job market as of tomorrow. No, I did not quit my job, and the department head has informed the unit head that is hiring that I am well qualified for the job that they have available, however, I am not going to put all of my eggs in that basket. It kinda works toward the field that I am going in, and that is good, it will give me practical experience in that regard, however my goal is to be a paralegal, and I am keeping my eyes definitely on the prize of acquiring a position in that field. In 2 or 3 years I would be looking into making a prosperous jump (increase) anyway. Now or then, whatever God decides, but I am making some serious moves career wise and money wise (again, increase!) by the end of this year.
I am also going to change banks, save more and do a few improvements in my home. I am blessed with a wonderful house, and even though I do think about moving one to get closer to the primary market that I am interested in, I live well with good neighbors. Hopefully within the next two years I will move on to greener and better pastures but until then I am honestly greatful and content.
OK. This is a biggie for me because I am a homebody and also because I am terrified of rejection and intimacy. I will be available for a relationship and smile, be friendly, be myself, etc. and attract my life partner. The more I think about it, my attitude, my fear of being hurt has kept me from meeting the person I need to meet. No more. I joke with my roommate about her getting out there, but frankly you know I am more concerned about what I would like to do. I have come up with a few things that I would not mind. Going to museums, bookstores, signings, artsy fartsy stuff, going to a game or chilling at a bookstore or a music/poetry spot. Being open to having a conversation and hearing someone else point of view and not just calling it stupid because that is easy. Really hearing the person out, and then hey – if they are from the shallow pool in any major ways then walking away confidently not with a bunch of what ifs. Also I want to love without inhibitions. Usually I am too careful to unwilling to show I care and to willing to sacrifice what I want to make the guy happy. Until he is my man, and even when he is, I have every right and responsibility to look out for my own happiness. My own joy and happiness is mine and I have to do my part to make sure that I am in that state. The guy cannot read my mind, and really does not know what will really make me happy until he gets to know me, and even then (as I have learned from watching my father with my mom after 32 yrs of marriage) will still have to learn because folks change and grow. Tis life.
Without any shame I will say that I want to be married and I am the one who has kept herself from this. My fear, my attracting idiots and fools and not having enough sense to keep walking. My unwillingess to be vulnerable and to believe that there is someone out there for me and that I am just as deserving as anyone else. I ask God and thank God in advance for breaking those fears and helping me to face them thereby delivering me completely from them wherein in the end I am healthy and free in a loving and real relationship. I am tired of high school, it is time to mature and get into an adult loving relationship.
It is time to get my life right. I do not know why it hit me so hard this evening, but it did. It may have something to do with the fact that I bought things to facilitate satisfying my sweet tooth and caught myself and forced myself to admit and not run away from or fantisize away from the truth of how my life really is, how things really are in my life today. I really don’t know. All I really know is that my mind is changing and so is my heart. Thank God for that. Empowerment, faith, favor, committment, peace, prosperity and love. This is one part of my daily affirmation. I am going to add knowledge, wisdom and clarity to this list.
In addition, I am going to do some serious no TV days. I have not done that in a while. No TV, just a time to reconnect with God, myself and my thoughts. I am the kinda person who needs some quiet reflective time.
The only way to live your life really is to do so wholistically. One thing that you conciously decide to change does affect another, and as you become stronger and better in one thing it should honestly affect other areas in your life. Never be afraid of change and improvement. heck, it is gonna happen anway, so accepting change is the only way to go. Now I am more interested in facilitating change. I am tired of standing idly by and watching life just happen to me. I am moving forward, moving on and learning to honestly love and like myself (yay!!) in a way I never have before. It is sometimes so hard, and I have to fight with myself to admit my faults, my pains and joys, and how I really feel instead of laughing or eating it away, but I am getting better with being honest about who I am, what I want and really examining how I will get there. I am living now and trying to hold true to my integrity, my morals, my goals, my compassion, my humility, my passion – all of me, the good and the side that I gotta work on aka the bad. I am beginning to not only remember but to know what it feels like to be whole and I am working on not being ashamed of any part of me. I will ger there and that is something that I know. My personal value and self worth has gone up tremendously and when it dips, God and the part of me that really and honestly loves all of me gently and firmly reminds me that I am a wonderful, prosperous, beautiful , gifted, talented, generous, humble, committed, loving and favored child of the Most High God and the good work that He has started will continue until finished. The bonds are being broken, the fear that held me back from living , really living. Thank God for that. Thank God.
I have real goals now. Life is good.
