Getting thru/making better choices

Remember when you used to think that long nails, 1 in from your nail bed made sense and how you would dye your hair blue black or raspberry (w/kool aid now!) and thought that you were cute, thought that you were the bomb?  Remember when you tried to stay relevant so you ran and got that spiky hair cut and remember the pineapple or that asymetrical cut you know the one, your hair was cut short on the front and the sides but was long to death in the back?  Remember what occured when you hit college or got your first real job and you realized that nobody outside of that insulated high school world lived like that or thought the way that you did?  Remember the first time the shock of figuring out that you really was out of step and how you had to get your barings quickly and get with the program quicker?  Remember that, remember those days? 

Well.  What I had to remind myself of was I got through those days  and worse.  I went to a high school with a lot of folks I did not like because they were pretentious or were just plain old mean.  I went to a college with more of the same.  I quit college, got a job and kept it pushing.  I had to learn how to play the game directly out of the box.  After I played for a long while, I have returned to school and I have plans to complete my college experience within the next 4 to 5 years earning a MLIS at the end of my journey.  I had to learn how to play the real life game EARLY so immature things had to go because I was dealing with grown folks and my youth was used against me on occassion.  So I had to learn to play harder, faster and with more cunning.  I got through those years and it was hard sometimes, but I made it.

Now I am dealing with some folks who don’t get how the game is supposed to be played.  And it is my very last semester dealing with these folks and this situation.  I am very glad about that.  Unfortunately they are not young, not foolish – they should know how to do this too, but they are too busy stuck being …. for lack of a better word… real.  And I do not mean being human, I mean this I have to be loud, I have to be seen, I have to … you know?  REAL.  Keep that there.  I want folks around me who are choosing to be human, considerate, kind, mindful, etc.  You can keep your loud mouth real. 

 I am realizing that I don’t want any part of that anymore, I have outgrown that.   So I have decided to watch that from the outside (and sooner or later I will only pay it attention during the flare ups) while I step into the inside of where I really want to be - feel me?    I know that I have a standard that I want to live my life by and I am doing that.  I am laid back, I will help you, I will laugh with the best of them but I am also living by my standard and moving forward towards my goals.  I will carry no dead weight cause running this long and under a full time job, health issues, family issues, and great things too friends, family -  is enough. 

I am hoping that I won’t feel like I need to let SWATS stand up due to a decision I made to help somebody and their obvious attempt at trying to get me to DO it for them not just help them – but TRUST I will if I must.   Fake folks trying to create a relationship with me due to their needs not due to their interest in me as a person but what they THINK that they can get from me piss me off.  Especially if out of the goodness of my heart I helped you in the first place.  How dare you try to take advantage of me or think for a f’ing second that I am that desperate.  Good luck with that. 

Cutting off dead weight and walking on.  That is why I am creating healthy boundaries.   That is why I am vetting people now and not just letting them in my life, have my phone number etc.  jsut so that I can say that you are my friend or associate.   I have a standard I will live by and I won’t apologize for it.   I will not allow myself to be used because I believe in and expect reciprocity from the folks I am family and friends with.   It took some time for me to get here, just like I had to get beyond the so-called beauty expectations of long nails and lop-sided hair cuts.  LOL.   Now I wear my hair short (twa but growing!) .  My nails are about 1/5 of an inch from my nail bed.  I am not trying to – even though honestly it is very uncomfortable to not do – be everybody’s friend.  I am taking care of me first and without apology.  It feels strange, but I will get used to it.  I will.  I am getting used to this living thing, leaving these games alone with those who don’t really get it – who think that ghettofab is actually a goal.  Who think that trying to get over is actually the way to live, who think that trying to use folks is the way to go.  I am living as best I can with integrity, authentically – flawed and all.  I do not mind others flaws – character and otherwise because we are all working on who we are, however there are some things in my life I will not accept at all.  And I will never accept someone attempting to use me, taking my kindness for a weakness.

Hey there!

  I have not felt comfortable in my own skin in a long time.  I have attempted to please others and I did so to my detriment.  It felt great to help folks and to be there for them, but the result really became that I was there for them and often – because I seemed like I needed nothing and no one , these folks have kind of forgotten to reach out to see about me.  For a while I was really bitter and angry about it, but now looking at it, I set it up this way.  Now, I am beginning to figure out that it isn’t really a friendship if you are giving and giving and giving but getting nothing in return.  I also am beginning to get that it is not necessarily the other persons fault if you do not set any real boundaries.   Reciprocity is very important .  Not a tit for tat, but a I care about you TOO.  Not punishments or revenge but honest boundaries. 

I am establishing  boundaries now.  I am learning how to move on without folks, to be ok with people not liking me or not allowing them to use me – I am learning how to be there for people but not to the point of whatever they want is ok like I used to be.  I am growing up.

I am getting ok with not being one of the cool kids, but being myself by myself.

I have carried a lot of bitterness and anger in my heart for a lot of folks in my life.  Family and friends.  I have carried a lot of anger and hurt toward myself and I am beginning to understand that often circumstances causes people to do things that normally they would not do, do things to cope that they would normally in ideal situations not choose. I became incredibly suspicious of their folks and their motives trying not to be hurt.  The mess I created in my head was beyond ridiculous.  I am beginning to accept why I have attracted some of the folks in my life that I have attracted, and without any shame I am beginning to understand how it has so much more to do with me and what I think I deserve that it has to do with anything else.   I can say no.  I can stand up for myself.  I can.

I am getting ready to take some really big chances.  I am getting ready to make some life changes.  I am getting ready and before you know it I will be off and DOING it.  I am tired of reading about others, watching others, supporting others while my life – though it is moving sometimes feels like I am at a standstill.  I am working on being more patient with me and waiting on God, but I KNOW that some of this delay is ME.  It is ME and knowing the things – the time that I have allowed to go by because of past situations ….  Let’s say that I know I can’t get those years back, so I am moving forward determined to live the best way I can NOW.

I have avoided the gym because I am not sure who I will be without the fat, without the cover.  I am returning to doing my workout tapes and gym because I am going to be doing a lot more than that to lose weight in the next 6 months.  I have got to firm up and I have got to get used to looking at a new me, dealing with my feelings, accepting me, and letting new people into my life.  I am doing this because soon and very soon I am taking the steps to remove the cover from me.  I am going to be me imperfect for all to see. 

I am no longer the Nikita who is desperate to be accepted ( being used and not appreciated), nor am I the Nikita who has to put on the hard edge ( protecting to the nth degree).  I am simply being who I was meant to be.  I am tired of wearing all of the masks , so I am taking them off.  What is odd is that the more I take them off the more I find that I am not such a weirdo, so alone.  I am one person going thru some things and some situations by herself, and I get frustrated easily sometimes (who doesn’t) but I AM getting it.  Nobody has all the answers.  We are not God.  We are just going through, loving through, pushing through and resting when we can.  learning when we can.  loving when we can.  helping each other when we can.  Caring when we can. Giving grace and mercy when we can.

I have always been so concerned about being selfish or being hardened and not giving of myself.  Somehow, no one told me that if I don’t hold some of myself for me – if I did not take care of myself etc., that regret of not doing so can turn into bitterness that eats away at your soul.

It honestly is a battle some days but I am now looking at the end results, looking forward to the end results.  I am moving forward now, I am letting the baggage go, I am moving on to a full life an authenticity.  I will still serve, I will still give of myself, I will still be pragmatic and do the best I can for myself.  I will dare to love, care and even hurt.  Ain’t that something, I just accepted that pain is a small part of the journey I am on.  I will live, and I will move forward.

Let me tell you, God’s Grace is a wonderful thing.  It really is.   

Until next time I remember to write, have a wonderful day.

 

Free

As I am getting older, yes, 37 years old this year, I am realizing that less and less things are important to me.  Oh, I can’t go backwards either to change things, so I am learning to face it, and to forgive and move on.  Family and friends are important, being liked and accepted by everyone is not.  Being healthy is important.  Living somewhere that is safe and clean is important to me.  Being able to walk in my neighborhood and enjoy its beauty is important to  me.  Going to a clean and well staffed store is important.  Being able to continually learn is important to me.  Having good male companionship – friendship is important to me.  These things – and much more are important to me. 

trying to be right all the time is not important. Being available to listen to another in good and bad times is important to me.  wearing a size 10 is not important.  Being healthy is.  being in control of my circumstances etc. is not.  I cannot be in control of the universe, LOL, it is not important.  I cannot upsurp God and I don’t want to.  i at one time thought that doing outwards shows about God meant something, that i was proving something.  God lives in me.  No outwards shows are neccessary.  a lot of things that were so important to me are now – not. 

Nothing really happened.  I grew up some more.  Nothing horrible occured, I simply started paying attention to who I am and what type of woman I wanted to be.  My heroes are Nikki Giovanni, James Baldwin, Octavia Butler, Toni Morrison - these are the people I emulate.  My heroes are my parents, my family and friends who have persevered despite the odds showing others how to keep living life as well as you can.  My heroes are not on TV or in the movies.  They are not rap stars.  They are everyday folks.  Like me.  I mean I like Sade, Chrissette Michelle etc., Anthony Hamilton good music folks who are really saying something, not just the same songs and sentiments in a round.

I am getting over being angry at men (sexual abuse).  I am learning to be ok with their imperfections and to accept my own.  I am getting over being angry with my folks (the past).  They too are just human. 

I have to ask God to stand up in me so I can be in His strength so that I may move on, move forward.  So that I may be happy.  So that I may be free.

memory

I remember it like it was yesterday.  The firs day time that I found out that my body could be my enemy, could put me in danger, could make someone hurt me.  I remember it like it happened this morning.  I was all of 16.  My dad wanted me to get confident getting around on my own and taking care of business on my own.  I paid the monthly major bills for the family. The first time he went with me, showed me who to pay, made sure that I understood the importance of receipts and told me to have lunch with the remaining change or see a movie.   The first few times he put me on the MARTA train it was effortless and I felt free.  I felt so damn free.  Heck, there was always $40 left from paying the bills and I had the freedom to walk around a little, explore a bit and have lunch and see a movie.  SWEET!!  I would get dressed in my shorts or a pair of jeans, put on a t-shirt and my tennis shoes and be out.  And one day it happened.  One day, as I stood in my pink v-neck pull over t-shirt, one day as I stood in my acid washed jeans and white high top Reeboks – some man decided that he just had to have me.  This was WAY before the I don’t know what her age is period that we are in now.  I was a baby and I looked it.  My folks did not play that grown girl mess AT ALL.  NO, I wasn’t physically raped.  This man who I tried desperately to get away from followed me talking about the most disgusting things that he wanted to do to me.  This man made me ashamed of my body, made me want to hide.  He followed me about 3 blocks until some man – and trust me I had passed many men and women who witnessed this man behaving this way towards me who looked into my terrified face and did nothing to make him stop -  saw me and started talking to me like the nasty guy did not exist.  He gave the man a look shook his head and walked me to the station.  I was SOOO thankful.  When I called my dad to pick me up from the station I told him what went on.  He sat in the car seething.  He looked me up and down and … I became more ashamed.  I did not do anything – hell I was just a teenage girl in jeans and a t-shirt paying the family bills.  He apologized for the man and explained that more than likely as I became more of a woman this would increase.  It did.  I gained weight because I was afraid.  I avoided men because I was afraid of them for years.  Today I learned that I was terrorized.  Yep, walking behind young women and speaking to them any kind of way – taking their security and making them incredibly, horribly vulnerable is terrorism.  Men need to deal with this and accept that too many of them behave like this.  I note young women being treated like this by so called “men”.  I wonder if they ever heal from the pain of it, cause it hurts!!   The very being we depend on for protection and safety steals it from us and for what!!   This makes me very, very, very angry.  However, I will continue to work on losing weight, and I have become kind of adept at telling men to get the hell away from me in verbal and non-verbal ways.  I pray that I am prepared for the nonsense that comes from some so called MEN when I lose more weight.

change…

I am losing weight now.  I can see it in my face, in my hands, even in my shoes. LOL.  My stomach is coming down.  With every lb. I feel freer.  I feel free.  Thank God.  I am feeling free.  

I used to live with an obligation mind set.  I am obligated to because…. NOPE.  I am not obligated to because.  I do because it is right to do so.  I care because I am not made of stone.  This is freeing. 

I pledged long time ago to give to my community without hesitation, tirelessly, to the point of exhaustion.  I now understand due to reading other sights that this is not really a smart move on my part.  So from now on, I won’t.  It is just tiring and this Strong Black Woman decided about 3 years ago to put that mantle down.  NOPE.  I am gonna pray and leave it in God’s hands.  He handles my life so well, I am sure that it is not neccessary for me to try to solve everything anymore. 

This has been so freeing but so mentally exhausting to, this thinking free and doing what is needed to do to get where you want to go. So much of my thinking process is being challenged.  And that is OK.  It really is.

I am so thankful for the new life I am getting, the new lease on life I am experiencing.  Thank God for all of it.  Thank God.

Really? Wow!

I really rarely listen to the radio these days.  I mean, I hear the songs that catch my ear – Keri Hilson and some Lil Wayne.  Yeah, I do.  I listen and laugh or sometimes straight change the channel if the music become misogynistic etc.  Then I began to catch a trend.  A whole bunch of men are beginning to sing and praise independent women.  Now, seeing that I do OK.  I have my own auto, home, job etc., I just smiled as I listened to the songs prattle on about how this woman can do for herself.  It initially sounded like praise and honor.  Then, the more I listened to the words I caught a theme:

She only wants a man around for sex.  She will pay the bill for dates and don’t want him to.   She’d rather work 3 or 4 jobs rather than count on a man.  She buys her own bottle from the bar.  She puts in the work and the time for her life.  Men will be “treated” by women who are independent. 

Arooo?

Really men?  This is what is hot?  In other words YOU want to be treated like a … woman?  Wow.  Is this really what is going on? 

 I listen to the songs and realize that I have to cut the guys a break.  If it is that difficult for them to understand that they have to bring something else to the table other than chex, a job, a home, and a check that says something pretty sad about them.  Yeah, some independent women do want  a boy toy, but most women that I hang with want a hubby.  They want someone to share their dreams and their hopes with, they want a companion, someone to share their lives and family with. 

 Honestly, chex is not HARD to get for men or women.  So men’s fascination with that – and money, really needs to stop. 

Someone really needs to re-write and re-think some of these songs and themes they are coming up with in music.  For real.

Chris Brown…

needs to serve some time in jail for this.  He tried to KILL this girl. He also needs to do  community service and taking anger management  courses.

I am so angry and so hurt that so many men came to his defense, saying nonsense like we don’t know what she did.  WHAT in the HELZ!!   It just hurts that women are now all being lumped into discarded goods if a guy doe not get what he wants.  It hurts that men do not note that like MOST of them are not bad guys and should not be placed into the same boat that ….  It hurts.  For real.

37 Today- Happy B-Day to ME!!

OK.  This morning was a little rocky, but as the day went on, I got with it.  I have received a lot of happy birthday wishes from folks.  I have received a lot of blessings and grace from God today  and across the years, and I want to say thanks to God and the blessings he send as friends for that too.

I have made a decision today.  If what I read on your blog is largely negative or attempts to place folks in  a box then I really am considering stop reading you.  I have a need for beauty now.  I have a need at this point in my life for kindness, beauty, hope etc.  I  cannot and I will not accept negativity and ugly cause it is all you have to offer.  This kind of makes me sad, cause some blogs that I have followed for a while I am now going to slow down reading them so often and visit them once in a while.  I kinda don’t want to do this cause  I like the people.  I like the spirit that they have and their motivation - their push to do better.  I like the fact that with all of their faults they do like themselves.  What I do not like is the limiting language all of the time.    What I do not like is the willingness to look down on folks.  I do not like it.  Soooo, in order to stop thinking with a smirk on my face, you really do think like this?  I am going to visit them like I would a friend that lives far away from me – sporadically. 

It is a new day and I need, I crave, I want beauty in my life.  There is so much ugliness, so much snark, so much meaniness (yeah I made it up!), so much —- I do not want to invite it into my life.  I do not want to willingly invite in more ugliness in my life than necessary.  I welcome in peace, tranquility, serenity, joy, love, hope, care etc.  I know that it cannot all be avoided etc., but I want to enjoy life despite it.  Heck, I am working on my horrible cursing habit, and I curse like a sailor.  Maybe not on here, but man do I curse.  Because I want more beauty in my life I am trying to calm it down.  Sometimes you must defend yourself and the boundaries you have, but defend them when there is no reason – NO.  I read one blog recently and I thought she is so angy and defensive and she really does not know she is.  In so many ways she is a beautiful person but when the other side comes out it is OUT.  I don’t know what is happening with her – and Lord knows that life can really come at you sometimes, but this is about petty things.  It is really petty.  I need to stop reading her so much now.

I also decided to stop letting technology rule my life.  I have got to start turning off the TV more.  There is usually little to nothing on it.  I am going to start turning it off and putting my energy into creative ventures instead.  I have not worked on my book, worked on some poetry or anything else for that matter in a while.  I have not created a card, or worked on a box either.  It is time to make the madness stop.  It is time to get back to work with doing the things that make me happy beyond coming to work and working in the library. 

My revelation at 37 is that life is here for you to learn, love, and be full of joy.  God wants you to learn and to be about His business , give to others and yes to also take care of yourself.  That is what I will continue to do.  I will continue to march closer to the son and become who I need to be.

Happy B-day to be me.  I pray that you are having a wonderful and joy filled day with me as well.

Chris and Rhianna

Now, let me start by saying that I do not know all of the facts – which is why I did not respond to the numerous reports and blog stories about this situation.  However, I do know what I know, if you know what I mean. 

Rhianna and Chris are young.  Chris is definitely a young man and Rhianna is a young woman.  Rhianna MAY have hit Chris, threw something at him etc.  Chris overreacted in his response and did not take any of the options that he could have – like pulling over the car, putting the car in park, taking the keys and his ID and walking away.  He could have pulled the car over and restrained her.  He could have pulled the car over and told her to get out.  Maybe, just maybe he did try these things, I do not know.  However, I know that the marks on her face and the reported biting of her says he overreacted.

Look.  There are some folks saying because gray occurs black and white should be denied.  NOPE.  That is not the way it works.  You must first look to make sure that the color is REALLY gray.  Got that? Usually men are hitting women because they have a need to control.  Men kill women to control.  Men abuse women to control.  Men are USUALLY the abusers.   Yes, some women DO crazy things to men and men must DEFEND themselves with much force sometimes even killing the woman.  Looking at the brusing on Rhianna,  Chris went past defending to punishing.  He went beyond trying to control the situation to punishing.   If they showed just pictures of slight bruising on her arms/wrist I would cut him slack by saying he tried to restrain her – he tried to control her so that she would stop.  Women are not children we are your partners.  Get that.  If she is acting a fool, put her out the car, YOU get out the car. Restrain her.  Restraint was not his point.  Again the bruises say heck no, he was doing so to punish and to control.  That, ladies and more importantly GENTLEMEN is called abuse.  It is abuse. 

Laws are skewed to protect women, because in causing physical harm and damage, fellas you got the muscles for that.  The courts know this too.   You were blessed with that kind of strength.  Heck, I have read and am knowledgeable about 15-18 year olds breaking in houses of women and raping them, beating them etc.  They are able to do so due to the fact that they are stronger.  Deal with it.  Most abusers are MEN.  Most rapists are MEN.  Most serial killers are MEN.  Deal with it gentlemen.  Don’t get defensive about what is the truth.  Take responsibility for it.  You are responsible, because it is clear that women are not physically equipped to make men stop unless she takes courses specifically for this reason or she is insane herself.  Men must take men who abuse to task about this kind of behavior and teach them how to handle their anger without becoming abusive with the women in their lives.  Deal with it.

I have read where folks said things like – what did she do, she should have known better  blah, blah, blah.  I often wonder, how come Chris did not know better, why wasn’t he expected to know better?  It always seems to me that we want to give men the leadership role until they are put in a tight situation.  When that occurs then the excuses start and what the woman should know or be responsible for begins.  It is an interesting phenomenon to watch. Of course men make mistakes etc., but sometimes it feels like a fail safe plan just in case they are being just plain stupid.  However, I digress.  These are the same folks who would get mucho upset if they saw a mother or father physically abusing their child.  Now, if you do not understand that in the same way that the kid does not have a shot because they are not physically stronger than the mother – and women TYPICALY are not USUALLY stronger than men, then you really need to check your rational about the fact that even though Rhi is probably a lot weaker than Chris it was ok for him to  manhandle her.   Beating on a woman so that she will be submissive etc. to your whims etc. , much like beating on a child is simply wrong.  It is wrong. 

Again, just because there are different shades of the color gray between black and white, does not mean at ALL that black and white does not exist.  Please stop trying to pretend like it does.

The Flaying

More each day my cover is comeing off, coming down.  More, each day.  I hide under sweet smiles and cunning tounge.  More and More that comes down and I must deal with the pain and the hope.  the faith and the desolation.  Every day I am being flayed.  My flesh comes off painfully.  the skin being pulled at comes off  and turns quickly into gray ash.  I sometimes use that ash to grieve.  I grieve over what was, what I wish I had, what I always wanted, my secret dreams, my secret sorrows, my heart.  with tears and phlegm on my face I look up and notice the dawning of tomorrow.  while wiping my face off I note the clear blue sky, the wispy clouds.  I note the color of the trees and the wonders of birds in different, blues, reds, the flowers spouting out their clean bright chipper colors and the pavement, the buildings and the people and……  I am angry and disgusted that the world travels on as I watch.  I am hurting.  It hurts, it hurts.  And then a cool, warm soothing peace washes over me.  Washes over me.  I cease gathering up the gray gunk that lays there; it is being all washed away.   I turn my head towards the son. My ears are  gently caressed by the voice that speaks in my voice and says, I know.  The flesh feels wonderful and it hurts, this flaying does it not.  It speaks a little louder.  I know that it is Him.  It is but a little thing.  I can hear the smile and the comfort.  Oh child of mine.  I am here with you.  It must be flayed off.  My heart beats more slowly now.  I have today brought you your mantle and you cannot wear it effectively covered in this old flesh that holds on when it ought to let go.  See you are being covered and being made new.  It is not pleasant though I know, and the past, it beckons, but alas, you cannot.  YOU MUST MOVE FORWARD.  In this time in this space right now I know that you want to stop because you never knew it could hurt so.  But I promise you, I will be with you through all of it, you will become a new creature, I will walk you through to the other side of this where you will live  a life better and bigger than your dreams.  It is ok to mourn for a little while.  IT is also ok to move on anyway.  Do not sit in the decaying flesh or its graying ashes.  It will be too hard to wash off and I want you to be free of them.  Move forward.  Have courage, have faith,live excellently.  Know that I am with you.  Always.   With that proclomation, I cried with relief.  I was not alone.  I wept with happiness.  It is not in vain.  I tentatively began to take a step out of the past, out of the waste leaving the ashes in my wake….